Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What we've been up to


I'm totally taking a page from Red Right Hand here, but sometimes it's fun.

Over the last six months, Jul and I have completed two new pilots, one a comedic sci-fi actioner, the other a historic comedic drama... about castration.

For your enjoyment and/or ridicule, here's a page or so from each (see if you can guess which is which!):

1.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Three SUVs flank a semi as it speeds down an empty highway.

INT. SEMI - DAY

The DRIVER is nervous. His passenger, JOHN SAVAGE (mid-30s), a grizzled warrior in the Bruce Willis mold, pats his arm.

SAVAGE
Relax. We're just a few miles away.
What we’re doing here is important.

Suddenly the rear SUV explodes upwards in a fireball.

DRIVER
Yaaahhhh!

Four HELMETED BIKERS dressed head-to-toe in leather and riding Ninja motorcycles burst through the fireball.

Savage pulls out a gun and slams in a clip.

SAVAGE
Do not slow down.
We can’t let them get their hands on it.

Terrified, the Driver floors it.

EXT. ROAD - SAME

GUNMEN fire from the two remaining SUVs. The Bikers dodge.

One SUV protects the rear of the truck; the other stops, then REVERSES INTO THE BIKERS. They SCATTER around it -- except for the largest, MUSCULAR BIKER -- CRUNCH! The SUV runs over both Biker and bike.

ANGLE ON THE UNDERBELLY OF THE SUV

The Biker hangs on under the SUV Indiana Jones-style, somehow unhurt, plants a bomb, and lets go. BOOM!

Another Biker drops back to pick up the muscular one.

INT. SUV - SAME

The Gunmen are wide-eyed, completely freaked out.

GUNMAN 1
Who the hell are these guys?

EXT. ROAD - SAME

The Bikers converge on the last SUV. Two Bikers ride close until their bikes CONNECT to form a DOUBLE BIKE. They pull alongside the SUV and the SMALLEST BIKER jumps onto the roof.

INT. SUV - SAME

Immediately the Gunmen spray the roof with gunfire.

GUNMAN 2
Got him that time.

One of the Gunmen opens his window to look out, and the Small Biker leans down and HEADBUTTS him back inside.

SUV DRIVER
Holy--!

The Biker mimes blowing them a kiss, tosses something into the SUV and leaps onto the double bike. The Gunmen look down at the object, realize it's a bomb just before -- BOOM!

INT. SEMI - SAME

Savage sees the Bikers race up the driver's side of the semi.

SAVAGE
(growling)
Damn it.

He stands and heroically cocks the gun... then leaps out the cabin door and rolls into the bushes by the side of the road.

DRIVER
Hey?! But! You can't--!

TAP, TAP. The Driver turns to his window: one of the Bikers hangs on outside the door with a gun aimed at him.

EXT. ROAD - MOMENTS LATER

Savage watches from the distant bushes as the Bikers tie up the Driver, take the semi, and ride off. He takes out a cell phone and dials:

SAVAGE
We've got a problem.

2.

INT. OPERA HOUSE - AUDITORIUM - DAY

The DIRECTOR stands in front of a throng of SINGERS in everyday clothes, as well as the great MARCHESI (30) in an elaborate gold costume. Marchesi slams down his headdress.

MARCHESI
I will not sing this part. It is beneath me.

DIRECTOR
You’re Moses!

MARCHESI
The man was a sheepherder who wore boring clothes
and tromped about in sandals. Sandals, for God’s sake!

DIRECTOR
He’s the messenger of God.
He freed the Israelites from the Pharaohs.

MARCHESI
And then told them to honor Mother and Father
and stop lusting after their neighbors. Fine. Great.
But do I really need to sing an entire aria about his silly rules?

DIRECTOR
Silly rules? The Ten Commandments?

MARCHESI
It’s boring, he’s boring. Can’t this Moses person
be doing something more exciting?
Why don’t we have him fight a dragon?

DIRECTOR
A dragon?!

MARCHESI
Yes, we can replace the Commandments
with a daring sword fight!

DIRECTOR
Impossible! The Ten Commandments
are essential to Moses’ story!

MARCHESI
Then I will not perform. We’ll see what’s essential.

He storms offstage. The Director slumps into a seat in the audience and shakes his head at the remaining Singers.

DIRECTOR
Apparently Marchesi won’t be joining us today.
Again. No matter.
(screaming)
It’s not like it’s important for the lead to rehearse!

Marchesi LAUGHS off screen, and the Director takes a deep, calming breath.

DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
Do we at least have Consolino?

SINGER 1
He had an... errand to complete.

The Director sighs and rubs his temples.

SINGER 2
I'm sure he'll come soon.

The Singers chuckle.

INT. LADY FARINA'S HOME - BEDROOM - SAME

LADY FARINA (20s), naked, gorgeous, MOANS as CONSOLINO (mid-20s), also naked, also gorgeous, pounds her into her headboard. As her moans crescendo, he thrusts a final time, YELLING, then collapses atop her.

INT. LADY FARINA'S HOME - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Lady Farina lies in afterglow, grinning ear to ear.

LADY FARINA
Mmmm, that was wonderful.

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